counting down

me haven been busy with nothing and not getting anything done at all. Made a almost last minute decision to celebrate my 21st bday.. shld be busy with the preparation.. but seems like everything will be done in a haste. i HATE it. i shld be looking forward to it. but i am totally not at all but i am jus goin thru it cos have alr booked the chalet. i dont mind all the work and preparation. i want it to be a beautiful 21st partee.. but i am just not realy looking forward to it. I am tryin to make myself all excited.... deciding on the pretty stuff to decorate.. the dress i am going to wear.. buying new shoes ..even a tiara..
somehow.... they are only making me feel better for that moment. i hate it when i am in such a state.. still not able to let go of the past.. let go of the pain.. let go of the unhappiness..
i tink i am so indulge in my own world of sorrow and sadness that i am oblivious to the pple ard me and the things ard me. i am jus wasting time away.. i haven been attending sch.. i haven been doin anything.. jus hanging out and keeping myself occupied so i wnt tink so much.
i am trying my best not to get the pple ard me affected by my moody self. i am tryin as much as possible to make them as happy as they can be. i hope they see the effort i am putting in. sometimes its jus so tiring.... but i wana still hold on to the last glimpse of hope that all will be bright and gay.. very soon.. very soon..

:: i feel lost ::